Slowly Dying
by Randomgirl19
Summary: Damom Salvatore never cries. That's what everyone thinks and that's what he thinks too. But everyone has a breakdown at one point and this happens to be Damon Salvatore. Damon is struggling through life and is lost. He doesn't know what to do anymore. Read on how much his mind suffers and who "the selfish Damon Salvatore" truly is. Warning: Contains Breakdowns
**A/N- Hey guys! Sorry for the people that thought this was an update to one of my stories, I PROMISE I will update soon. So I have read a few stories(there aren't many out there)where Damon is depressed and when he cries it makes me feel so emotional and sad how no one really understands him. Anyways, I loved the idea and wanted to make a fanfic on how much things he has to go through everyday and suffer. This takes place in season 7. Please review, favorite, follow, it will really mean a lot. Thanks and here is my story!**

* * *

 _I need to get out of here,_ was my first thought. I need to get away from everything.

When I heard that Elena was going to be stuck in that weird magical coma, I just wanted to kill my self right then and there. I couldn't live in a world without her, not again. But I promised her. She said to live my life as her last wish for me. But how could I do that when my heart feels like it's being ripped out of my chest?

That's how my life's been these past few months. Filled with thoughts of me being indecisive if I should keep my promise to Elena or just end it right now. It would be easier for all of us…But what about Elena? Great, now the head aches are back.

 _Damon_ , I faintly hear someone call. _Damon!_ I hear again. That's when I blink and when my eyes are back open, I see that it's Stefan who was calling me.

"What?" I ask annoyed. That's when I realize I was standing next to him in the cemetery. Why am I hear again? _Right_. My mommy dearest is dead. Finally, I just wish I could have killed her myself. It's her fault I'm unhappy in the first place! She took Elena from me. The only person who could keep me in control. And now Stefan wanted me to say my sorry and goodbyes but why would I say sorry to the person who caused me so much misery these months?

"How many times do you get a second chance to deliver your mother's eulogy?" Stefan asked, breaking me away from my thoughts. In the outside I was okay with what my little brother said but in the inside I wanted to rip him into shreds. How could he forgive our own mother who abandoned us, replaced us with a weird family of heretics, and then blamed _me_ for hating her. These are the times where I'm glad I didn't deliver her eulogy more than a hundred years ago. She never deserved it.

"Good point brother. How's this?" I dramatically clear my throat, much to his annoyance and lean down to her coffin.

"Lily, you were a terrible mother when you were alive, and you were a terrible mother when you were dead." I happily say and it surprisingly made me feel better. I straightened back up and face a very unimpressed Stefan.

"You're right! It does feel good. Huh." I say right before I walk away, leaving Stefan. Where am I going now? I have absolutely no idea.

* * *

The woods. Why do I always choose to go to the woods? Maybe because I like how the seclusion feels. The feeling of no one being able to bother you, find you. It was a personal escape place. I had a bottle of bourbon in my hand that I picked up during the way. I took a big gulp from it and let the beautiful savior go down my throat. It was wonderful. It helped take away stress, pain, anger, and so many problems. I love it. And the good part about that was how I couldn't get drunk. It was a great pain killer and it didn't affect me afterwards. I slowly walked, pacing around the trees when my thoughts came back to me. What am I still doing here? I should be dead, not walking around some creepy old forest where it so happens where Giuseppe killed me. See he killed me. That's what I should be, _dead_ …But then Elena.

I growled in anger as I threw the now empty bottle against a tree. Again with the stupid thoughts. It feels like it's burning my brain with all the thinking. It was actually physically hurting me. I clutched my head as I slumped myself down, leaning against the tree.

"I can't do this Elena. I know I promised you but please, no more. Not without you." I softly said as I looked like I wanted to pull my hair out. Maybe I should do it. End it now and it'll be over. I brought my knees up and I just felt like hiding myself from the world. That's when I noticed my eyes were blurring up. _What the hell? Was I crying?_ A few tears escaped my eyes _. No, I don't cry. Damon Salvatore never cries!_ More tears sprang out.

"No! I shouldn't be crying. Why am I crying? I- No stop please. No more. I'm sorry Elena I can't- What is going on with me?" I yelled out sobbing. I don't want to cry but why are my eyes streaming with tears. A breakdown. That's what I'm having. It makes complete sense. Because that's so low I've gotten. I've gotten so low that Damon Salvatore is having a breakdown like a little girl. But my mind isn't even listening to that complaint. No, my mind is completely blank and not making any sense.

"Wow. You are such a baby! Crying because little Damon Salvatore can't handle his emotions." A voice mocked. I shot my head up from my knees and I couldn't see anything, my tears had completely blurred my vision.

"Who's there?" I choked out which made me sound weak and small. That voice sounded too familiar. I wiped my tears with my arm but I still couldn't see anyone, just the plain old woods.

"And you sound like one too. I love seeing you all like this. Useless, confused, _broken_. This is actually entertaining me." The voice spoke again. And that's when I saw him, or _me._

It was the old Damon Salvatore who was standing in front of me, smirking and mocking me.

"How-What? How can I-?" I tried asking between sobs. I didn't even know I was crying again until I felt the salty tears go in my mouth.

 _"How are you seeing me?_ What? Can this Damon Salvatore not speak anymore? Is he too afraid of every action he makes? You can see me because I'm just a part of your thoughts. You miss how you used to be. You _want_ to be me again. The selfish mean Damon Salvatore who never gave a crap on who he hurt."

The last sentence he-I-said actually hurt me. It let out another loud sob escape from me.

"Again with the crying? Is that really all you can do? Look what they did to you! You turned into an overemotional vampire who can't keep quiet for a second without a tear coming out of you!" My angry conscious yelled at me.

"Please leave me- leave me alone." I buried myself into my knees again while shutting my eyes tight. _Go away. Go away_ , I kept on repeating those words between sobs again. I can't take this anymore.

"Then don't!" My other self answered. I forgot he was my conscious, he could hear all my thoughts. "Drive a stake through your heart. Experiment and see if you can rip your own head off. Or at least flip that little switch. You will be able to kill anyone without remorse, _without crying_. You'll become me again." He kept on taunting. It was hard to concentrate on what he was saying because of my crying but I definitely heard the last thing he said. _You'll become me again_.

What if I-? No are you crazy! I was a terrible person back then. But isn't that was I'm supposed to be? I'm Damon Salvatore either way, the guy no one cares about. I clenched my fists tight that I felt my nails bury deep into my skin because of all of my anger. I can't take any of this anymore. I need to get out of here. But I can't. It's like if I'm stuck to the ground. I'm paralyzed. What's wrong with me?

For a second, my first thought was hoping Stefan could find me to put some sense into me. But then I noticed that he would see me crying, _me_ , his strong older brother who cares about no one but himself. So then now my mind wanted for someone, anyone, other than my little brother to find me. But for once my mind must have kicked some sense into me because now I didn't want anyone to find me. I was having a huge breakdown for god sakes! Any person who found me would use this against me for the rest of my life, which trust me, is a really long time.

But then again, I wanted to hit myself for how stupid I was in the first place. I'm deep into the woods! Even if I were dying no one would find me. Although that stung me for a second, I actually let out a sigh of relief in how no one had to find out about this. And this is how I continued. Thinking. Crying. Angry. My other conscious never left me alone.

* * *

After what seemed like hours, I finally seemed to calm down. My brain and body must have gotten exhausted of so much of- whatever this is. I hadn't noticed but I think this whole time I was mumbling stupid words too. My mouth was left slightly open as my dried tears stained my face. My whole body felt numb for some reason. For a second I thought that I was actually dead until I felt the strong wind freeze myself as it made contact with my wet face. This felt so- good. What! No it didn't. Have I lost my mind too? But buried deep into me I felt so- relaxed. Why am I feeling good about all this? A breakdown isn't supposed to make me feel better! Then because I was so angry with myself, the tears started again. What is wrong with me? Am I so emotionally broken that I cry for every single thing?! I quickly got up and probably too fast because I was about to lose my balance before I catched myself by holding onto the tree.

"You are stupid and you know that. No one cares about you Damon. You could cry all you want but you know no one will care either way. They could see you like this right now and will only tell you you deserve it. Your just a stupid person who only knows how to cry because your broken, Damon." My other self taunted while looking down at me. My now red eyes shot up from where I was balancing myself from the tree. My anger took over me.

"I am Damon Salvatore!" I yelled out. "I don't cry! You can't break me!" I yelled in rage and noticed that I fell back down to my knees letting out a big sob, right in front of my smirking conscious.

"You wanna try that again?" He said with his smirk still plastered on his face while he kneeled down to face me. I tried to hide myself in my knees as I continued to cry. Nope. As always, I'm wrong. I am Damon Salvatore- _and you finally broke me_.

* * *

 **A/N- So what did you guys think? I know it isn't one of my best stories but please tell me what you thought of it, it really helps me. And also I want to let you guys know that this isn't the ending of the story, I am currently finishing the second chapter. But can you guys please tell me in the reviews if you guys actually want an update because if no one really likes it then there isn't really a point of updating so please let me know. And just in case you want to know, if I do decide to continue it, there is definitely going to be a HUGE Defan scene. Anyways, thanks for reading and please give me feedback on my story. I will also start responding to the reviews too just to let you guys know. Have a good day! Thanks!**


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